<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>if, maybe, could have been by acenhypen</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27331012">if, maybe, could have been</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/acenhypen/pseuds/acenhypen'>acenhypen</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>ENHYPEN (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Lots of Cursing, M/M, jay needs love, jayhoon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 23:08:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,101</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27331012</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/acenhypen/pseuds/acenhypen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"if it was me who went out to see you that day, would i have been the one?"</p><p>in which jay wonders.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Park Jongseong | Jay/Park Sunghoon, Park Sunghoon/Shim Jaeyoon | Jake</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>60</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>if, maybe, could have been</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>edit: just fixed some grammatical errors though i'm not positive i fixed them all since i suck at tenses :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>jay wonders.</p><p>he wonders about a lot of things</p><p>but he wonders mostly about a certain coldly beautiful boy.</p><p>park sunghoon.</p><p>his bestfriend.</p><p>the one he's been unconditionally in love with since he saw the boy dance his heart out on one late night at the bighit building, hours after their monthly evaluation which had gotten sunghoon scolded.</p><p>he remembered the passion in sunghoon's eyes on that night as his footfalls resonated inside the practice room. there was this majestic aura surrounding the boy. he moved like a swan. it had been a breathtaking scene for jay.</p><p>since that moment, park sunghoon got him under a spell. every little thing the boy does is magic to jay's eyes.</p><p>he wonders why he felt those feelings for him. it could have been anyone. it could have been his heeseung-hyung whom he had known the most out of the trainees there. it could have been that girl he once made eye contact with. it could have been someone he passed by. it could have been literally anyone.</p><p>yet it was park sunghoon.</p><p>jay wondered why said boy didn't feel those feelings for him.</p><p>like he said though, it could have been anyone.</p><p>and for sunghoon, it was jake.</p><p>sweet and kind jake.</p><p>jay never thought it would be jake when sunghoon had started to sit with him all of a sudden during their first test.</p><p>he let it pass as a blooming friendship since most of them didn't know each other that much in i-land.</p><p>but then, when they had been practicing for the third test, when jake and sunghoon had been put in the second unit choice for the test, jay noticed that things started to change.</p><p>especially on that fateful night.</p><p>that fateful night when sunghoon came back to their shared room with a dazed and dreamy look on his face, something jay had never seen before.</p><p>"i think i'm starting to like jake, jay-ah."</p><p>right then and there, sunghoon had unknowingly and unintentionally started to break jay's heart. piece by piece.</p><p>jay remembered wondering why it was jake. why it wasn't him instead.</p><p>he wondered why sunghoon didn't fall in love with him even if they had known each other longer than sunghoon had known jake.</p><p>he wondered why sunghoon seemed to see something in jake that jay couldn't possibly give to him.</p><p>he still wonders.</p><p>even as he sat watching the two give each other sweet and loving smiles as they eat at their dorm, jay wonders.</p><p>he can do nothing but wonder.</p><p>then the day came when it was just the two of them. sunghoon had suggested they have a friendly date since they had not been able to have time for themselves and bond since i-land ended.</p><p>the two were taking a stroll in the park after a meal when jay finally voiced out his feelings.</p><p>"sunghoon-ah?"</p><p>"yes?"</p><p>"if it was me who went out to see you that day, would i have been the one?"</p><p>he was referring to that blasted night. the night he completely lost park sunghoon to shim jaeyun.</p><p>it had been one of those nights where he had overworked himself from going over enhypen's choreography with ni-ki until it was late.</p><p>the moment jay's back felt the soft mattress of his bed, he had fallen into a deep sleep. it was a sleep so deep that he had missed a call from sunghoon the same night.</p><p>it turned out that the former ice skater needed someone to comfort him from the pent up stress and frustration i-land gave him that he was only able to let out that very night. he needed an anchor that night. a shoulder to cry and lean on.</p><p>it could have been jay if he wasn't asleep. fucking asleep.</p><p>but it was jake who came. it was sweet and kind jake who took time and effort to meet sunghoon even after an arduous vocal training.</p><p>it was him who sunghoon kissed that night. it was him who sunghoon had completely fallen in love with.</p><p>all jay could wonder is how he only slept for a bit and the next day, he lost the love of his life without as much as a fight.</p><p>"jay, what are you talking about?" there was utter confusion on sunghoon's voice as they stopped walking in the middle of the park, sunghoon's eyes on him. those beautiful eyes that he wanted on him but is almost always on jake.</p><p>jay took a breath sharply. "that night when you called and i wasn't able to answer... if i had answered, could it have been me and not him?"</p><p>it was the thing he's been wondering ever since. if it had been him who did this instead of jake... if it had been him who said that instead of jake... if it had been him and not jake...</p><p>then maybe... maybe the love of his life loves him too.</p><p>"jay..." trails off sunghoon, realization dawning on him by the looks of it.</p><p>jay didn't dare break eye contact with him. he's not going to give up until he hears what sunghoon has to say.</p><p>silence fell like a blanket over them along with a looming tension that sunghoon was struggling against yet jay was gaining confidence from.</p><p>"sunghoon... if it was me who got grouped with you during the third test, would it have been me and not him?"</p><p>him. jake. shim jaeyun. sunghoon's love.</p><p>sunghoon didn't answer yet there was a pleading look on his face for jay to stop. to stop before it gets worse and they wouldn't be able to pick up the pieces after.</p><p>but jay is not a quitter. he wants to know. he wants to know if he had a chance or it is just a given fact that he isn't shim jaeyun. he is park jongseong and it isn't park jongseong who park sunghoon wants but shim jaeyun. only shim jaeyun.</p><p>"if it was me instead of him who did everything he did to make you fall in love with him, could---" his voice betrays him by breaking the slightest. sunghoon's eyes widens and they dare look away but jay wouldn't let him as he grabs his wrist, firm and gentle.</p><p>"... could it have been me?"</p><p>his stance falters at the look of sadness in the other's face. the look of pity, guilt and apology sunghoon is trying to convey has jay trembling with tears threatening to spill from his eyes.</p><p>"jay... it's not simply like that."</p><p>the older wants to rip his own hair out. "why can't it be simple? it is a matter of yes or no!" his voice rose with every word until he is shouting at sunghoon's face.</p><p>he is thankful they are at a secluded part of the place. he couldn't risk people seeing him and sunghoon like this. his personal feelings could put their careers at stake.</p><p>for a moment, all the two of them did is stare at each other, words unable to form. sunghoon has this look of someone seeing an injured animal that jay hated was directed at him. he always wanted for sunghoon to look at him but not like this. not fucking like this. not like he is a charity case that needs helping.</p><p>"i love jake, jay... no matter what he or you or anyone for that matter does... it is him i love. it is always him." the way sunghoon said that is unbearably, painfully, certain. sure. sincere. honest.</p><p>there is no trace of doubt that jay is desperately searching for. no possible chance that he would have a chance of being loved. of being cared for in a way sunghoon cares for jake.</p><p>oh, how he wants to punch something right now. he earnestly needs something to take the hit for whatever misery he's feeling right now and he's even more furious because there is nothing to throw the blame at.</p><p>there is no one at fault for this misfortune he's experiencing. this one sided love that would forever be just like that. one sided. unrequited. unwanted. hurtful. destructive. it is just how things are. you either get the good or the bad. jay hates how he always ends up on the tip of the negative scale.</p><p>sunghoon must have noticed how his expression went from pleading puppy to utterly hopeless fuck up because there is that look on his face again.</p><p>fucking pity. there's no fucking guilt nor fucking apology there anymore. yet the fucking pity stayed. why did it have to fucking stay?</p><p>"i know it doesn't change anything but i'm sorry, jay. you are my bestfriend and i love you but..." jay's expression hardens at that. he looks away. it was all he could do to lessen the pain of facing reality. of hearing those words come from sunghoon himself. "...not in that way."</p><p>
  <em>plop.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>plop.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>plop.</em>
</p><p>despite himself feeling so shitty right now, jay still had to laugh at how fucked up this situation is.</p><p>of course a heartbreak wouldn't be complete without a fucking pouring of rain. jay remembered finding every scene in dramas he watches cliche and boring when this type of situation occurs yet here he is. standing in the middle of a park, heart freshly broken as droplets of rain continued to heat the pavement.<br/>
he supposes rain can be really helpful in these kind of moments. it disguises and cools the hot, angry and pitiful tears streaming down his eyes.</p><p>sunghoon has the sense to grab his hand, tugging at it gently. "jay, it's starting to rain. let's go. we might catch a cold."</p><p>jay allows sunghoon to guide him back to the car where the driver is worried sick, <em>probably scared he'll lose his job or something</em>, jay thinks.</p><p>he finds himself being treated like a child as sunghoon wipes water off him while they sit at the back of the car, hands tender and careful. he acts as if jay is a bomb. one wrong move could make him explode and sunghoon wouldn't be able to fix him.</p><p>watching sunghoon tend to him is like looking at those fishes in an aquarium his dad once brought him to. you can only watch but you cannot have him. you can never have him.</p><p>"why do i always not get what i want?" he whispers, freezing sunghoon in place.</p><p>jay is forced back to memory lane. when he didn't get the part he wanted in the first test. when he lost his position in the third test. when he got fucking eleventh place in the mid-vote ranking. heck, even when he lost the part he wanted to sunoo who he knew was more qualified in the last test.</p><p>all of those he had accepted. he had acted like everything is okay, everything will be okay at those times. but now, he wasn't so sure how he could wake up and be fine, knowing he can't stop loving someone he can never have.</p><p>when they stood inside the elevator leading to their dorm, there is another one of those moments of silence that jay once found comforting with sunghoon but now considered to be something he despises with passion.</p><p>"are you okay?" sunghoon asks.</p><p>
  <em>am i fucking okay? of fucking course not. but do i have a choice? a big fucking no, that is.</em>
</p><p>"i'll see you tomorrow, sunghoon-ah. good night." he leaves first, making a beeline for the door, the intense emotions he has numbing down to something he can't quite express. he supposes it was the shock of things that had him feeling nothing.</p><p>but the moment he entered the shower, it is like everything came back to him like a wave. the pain overwhelmed him to the point that it was like he is made of it. every inch of him is with pain.</p><p>he cried. he fucking cried his eyes out. he even screamed like a fucking hyena. his throat would suffer in the morning but he didn't care at the moment.</p><p>then came the physical part. he apologized in advance to whoever cares for the shower head since he grabbed it and smashed it on the wall with all the anger and pain he could muster.</p><p>"fuck!" he screams as he continues to demolish the poor shower head until it is in pieces.</p><p>when the adrenaline died down, fatigue undoubtedly followed. it consumed him, the fucking thing, and all he wants to do is be wrapped in his mom's arms.</p><p>but then, when did he exactly get what he wanted?</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>